the curious case of the ironic anaemic that liked copper.

things that have happened in the last two months, plus what Percy has been so overwrought with this year: 

1. Percy spent his days in a hazy fog of fasting, with relentless examinations assaulting his delicate, deteriorating brain matter, missed Quidditch sessions and indigestion from mum's homemade carrot cake. at some point, he entered a saturnine state, and it is because of this semi-self-inflicted delirium that Percy spent forty-eight seconds guffawing because a professor misspelled a healer's name as healer Gay Fox.

2. for his repeat paediatric examination, Percy coped well by not sleeping for twenty-four hours prior not having a minor psychological crisis when he was asked to perform the Dementor-defacing, erumpent-extirpating, Umbridge-upsetting Moro reflex on a two-day-old neonate.

3. he discovered that "medium coffee, half pump syrup, extra shot" is a standard order for his colleagues.

4. he, thy wretched Wampussie, cried in the hospital lavatory at least once.

4. Percy soothed a weeping Hufflepuff... and agreed to tutor her last-minute for an examination he already took.

5. the bloke that Percy wanted to, um, share pumpkin pasties with turned out to be a large orifice opening.

the Acid Pops that Percy wants to now suggestively shove into said bloke-that-did-not-deserve-Hufflepuff's gob now might help him teach others the wonders of radiographs! 

6. Percy was told to leave the labour ward because... despite seeing intestines being drawn out of one's stomach (and thinking of what to scoff off for breakfast simultaneously) and seeing foot bones crack under the pressure of an orthopaedic healer's- err, unidentifiable instrument...! watching a woman gave birth made Percy nearly faint because he did not know that the human body could hold this much blood, water, and whatever that murky-coloured liquor is. on another note, Percy is having a semi-validated existential crisis after realising he's seen more of other women's anatomy than of his own... hopefully, his cervix would never need to be, err, serviced.

7. Percy's first psychiatric experience was a prompt three-hour interview with a schizophrenic.

8. he was told to take a history from unpleasant Hogwarts' teacher that once signalled him out as the only blubbery Gryffindor in the grade at thirteen years old, and implied to him him multiple times to subsist on a diet of chicken breast, celery sticks and carrots (not unlike his charming guidance counsellor!). her medical complaint? she'd spent so many years yelling at hoodlums that she was beginning to lose her voice. um...

8. he had the displeasure of watching a depressed patient electively undergo electroconvulsive therapy, which he thought was stopped long enough for it to be taught in a History of Magic curriculum by Professor Binns!

9. an anxious Percy walked into his psychiatric finals, feeling like he might have panic attack, vomit or DIE. and his first patient (out of six) complained of... panic attacks. absolutely bloody cosmic!

10. Percy has, yet again, put on stones of weight that is as visible to others as Harry in an invisibility cloak! in fact, he is currently 12 stones 8, and has 'only' lost approx 3 stones from his high weight. nobody has noticed because it is all in his... err, bath buns. which he does not want anyone to "pour a little sugar on". and besides his UK 14 arse, he hadn't needed to change in the rest of his clothing!

Percy's semi-unhealthy bath buns look suspiciously like cinnamon rolls heaped with unicorn sugar icing. 

11. his GP bought him a hot beverage every day for 6 (!!!) weeks, and he politely choked it down because she assumed that he only drank horklump-sized amounts of sugar.




with his results in, Percy's managed to get middle-of-the-road-to-Diagon-Alley marks. he assumed he'd get his top mark in Obstetrics and Gynaecology given all the time he spent building up his tolerance to prevent his bowel from liquefying at the caecum-wrenching sight of a sterile speculum (he thinks most of his boisterous red curls turned Dumbledore silver at this point!). instead, his top marks were in Psychiatry, where he'd manage to make a crucial error in a question about...
                                                                        eating disorders. 

of all the fat-free, Hermione-Ganger-sized... RUBBISH!

The Daily Prophet's Breaking News.

it's been officially two months since Percy started drinking his coffee black.

also, there was sort of a situation at his university that might have meant that he was exempt from doing his GP examinations that Percy thinks has been resolved today. unfortunately, he could not Obliviate himself from having a woeful mental breakdown he had yesterday, in front of a coordinator, a psychiologist, a receptionist and the head of GP  that involved about twenty minutes of pathetic, violent sobbing. he supposed the choking on the water (given to him to help him compose himself mind you, instead of wetting his now-crumpled navy blue robes) because he neglected to submit a 700 word reflective account was not one of his most elegant moments.

he also was 20 minutes late to a final last Thursday, because of broomstick traffic.

he does not recall to this day what he has written in his bloody exam, but he hopes that i am not sure if i want to choke on a chocolate frog or if i wish someone else would was not one of the statements.

he supposes he might be unravelling, but he also supposes that all his problems are because of his  problematic ovaries and their insistent on shedding its uterine endometrium lining each month, the fact that he'd used his psychiatry book so many times that its covered managed to disintegrate (unfortunately, he has not disintegrated) and the fact that there is no more posh chocolates in the cupboard anymore. 

this overdue owl is overdue.

Percy turned twenty-three three days ago. he thinks he did absolutely terrible very well at his Obstetrics and Gynaecology examination. no, his speculum did NOT get stuck into any model's cervix. he saw a pterygium in the GP clinic and heard a systolic murmur in a little girl that was just about as loud as a fulminating Thor's Thunder Cracker... and the bloke at the operating theatre thinks Percy look like an Inferi that only eats low-fat, high-protein Beater Boosts and keeps on consistently giving him scrubs that won't go up his callipygian figure.

some days, he is really sad and wishes that he'd disappear faster than Neville Longbottom after he'd mucked up his third potion of the week! but he finds that more often than not, he is very exhausted and happier than Dudley Dursley with a biscuit tin filled with Jammie Dodgers. oh, and he's put on a almost two stones since he'd last posted. fortunately, nobody noticed the fact that Percy's plump posterior is now big enough to make a centaur blush and somehow, his non-existent breast tissue managed to expand enough to give him month-long wardrobe malfunctions. today, as he did his burpees, his bra clasp snapped open and grace the exercise mat with its #freedCoopersligament status ... and no, it was not a freeing feminist statement!

also, he is very exuberant about the prospects of this immeasurable, amorphous entity called life... for he might eat overpriced Japanese noodles this Friday in a belated birthday celebration!

Smart Pelvic and Placenta Appliances' Speculum Shop.

last week, Percy got his speculum stuck into a pelvic model and witnessed a Caesarian section happening about five inches away from him (he is currently in Obstetric and Gynaecology. never in one profession did he feel so close to projectile vomiting in the surgery when they attempted to stitch up the pelvic floor in a woman. on his first day, he nearly fainted when he witnessed the third stage of labour in the L&D). he also learned that he is not eating enough. in fact, Fred told him that "five-year-olds" eat more than him... this left him in a week-long state of shock. Percy never knew that being afraid of a cheese toastie wasn't normal! this picture was taken ages ago... Percy does not remember the last time he'd eaten a piece of cake and thoroughly enjoyed! the last new thing he'd bloody tried was this unholy avocado smoothie that belongs... well, in the L&D. because Percy is sure that it's still stuck in his bowls, trying to give him some corking heallth benefits!

this photo was back in a time where Percy did not run over his laptop with his car and then got his screen replaced because he ran his bloody laptop over with his car. it was a wonderful time.

this post deserves a cheese and mushroom toastie.

*insert extensively written, nearly poetic post about how Percy has gotten sick enough for Molly Weasley to get him TWO sick-leaves and Percy thinks his parchment paper writer's screen is thoroughly mutilated because... he thinks he might have run his muggle transportation contraption over it, but he is not completely sure.*

Percy and the entity known as life are not building that wonderful rapport that Percy continuously envisioned for them. in fact, Percy is just like:

but unfortunately, then life is like:

Percy has been having such impossible, deplorable difficulties with life in all his existence. life and him do not seem to agree on much, such as the fact that Percy has not yet found his mystical, internal source of energy and vitality without the use of hallucinogenic potions, that he does not agree with the idea of having to go to an afternoon tutorial after he is finished with his morning studying sessions in the hospital, and he thoroughly believes that a sandwich is not lunch, it is a snack. 

a short, belated owl to Father Christmas.

dear Father Christmas, this December, besides telling Percy that he has failed not succeeding in his paediatrics exam, you have given him a motor vehicle collision that resulted in him losing his muggle transportation contraption created by Flyte and Barker. he had replaced it... with the same exact model. you then confiscated his ancient, convulsion-prone muggle fellytone, so he had to replace that as well! to add on, his Quidditch watch that he has had for approximately 1 1/2 yeas now has last been seen in a café that dared to serve the most unholy rose lattes, and Percy is suspecting that you were involved in its disappearance. during this time period, you have also given Percy AND the rest of his mates a psychiatry-induced depression! he spent the past two months in a fog AND a state... AND he'd also put on half a stone!  

in honour of the new year and all the oppressed cocoa beans in the world, Percy resolved not to give Father Christmas anymore chocolate biccies! i hope you choke on your custard creams, you fat miserable git! 

intothe Speed Force's not so terminal, somewhat education case of Examinitis.

this month, Percy failed his first examination since he'd gotten into medical Azkaban school.

this was not because he was not prepared, nor was it because he did not have the appropriate amount of knowledge (in fact, he had more knowledge than most... especially about the causes of hypotonia in small baby Swedish Short-Snouts!) it was not because he was attempting to free Hogwarts from the dangers of mountain trolls, or Crabbe and Goyle's bloated Pygmy Puff-like facial features or the improper treatment of house-elves.

unfortunately, he... neglected to take his important beta-blocker potion Atenolol before the examination and got SO anxious he could barely speak in his ORAL exam. because his beta was not blocked... unfortunately.

after hearing about this predicament, Percy spent FOUR days in a state of severe depression. he spent most days crying for hours whilst listening to muggle metal music that told him that he was a warrior and that his dominance could not be denied. he fit all the nine criteria for depression, including suicidal ideation. he thoroughly refused to bathe himself for more than once every two days. he barely ate and then spent too much money on stodgy takeaway pasta and attempting to drown himself in his unsolicited caffeine addiction.

after the four days, Percy started to feel invigorated... and ready to attempt to succeed. and hungry.

then Percy told his parents about his failures. he told other people about his failures.

apparently, there is nobody that left medical school without failing something.

he had gone out for a coffee run with a few students, and one of them sent him a long, long message about how he was actually very good in paediatrics, this did not define him and that if he needed someone to talk to, there was someone there to listen. and that she liked having coffee runs with him - even if especially when he shoved warm fresh baked Nestle cookies down his gob. and there with there were so many people that sat there talking to him for a while about how he was going to be okay. and that this happened to everyone and it was normal. even if Percy talked about his failure in the tone of
                                  "Charms is a very difficult but charming subject!"

the most shocking thing that Percy realised was that his failure did not make others see him as less than he was before. they just saw him as a victim of a bad day. and that comforted him greatly.

Percy is currently in psychiatry. he had spent a week with an general psychiatrist where he took a long interview (1 1/2 hours' worth of information) from a schizophrenic patient. then he spent a week in the OPD with a psychiatrist specialising in anxiety disorders. now, he is currently in the child psychiatric unit.

on a sweeter (pun intended) note... after his paediatric rotation ended, Percy went out with Lee Jordan and Ginny Weasley. their Friday afternoon turned into a blur of saffron cake with cardamom ice-cream (that Percy did not eat because his cake had to be denser than Marcus Flint's head and not airier than Harry Potter on a broom), gaudy Halloween decorations in a hipster-happy joint, aesthetically aesthetic tres leche and crème brûlée lattes, insignificant but entertaining trashy college gossip and slightly above average Asian food.

into the Speed Force's terminal case of Examinitis.

Percy has final exams in paediatrics on Tuesday and Thursday. Percy is not coping well with the fact that he has final exams. Percy is, however, going to attempt to cope well with the fact that he has finals this week.

Percy has decided not to fracture his humerus in his attempt to prevent himself from sitting his finals.

he will fracture his pelvis instead... it's typically a more critical fracture.

Handbook of Hippogriff Pastry Psychology: Chapter Three.

dear Palace of Promiscuous Pastries, 

whilst my second cup of medium specialty coffee lasts for an hour, you last for approximately two minutes. this is not satisfactory. ask any woman. at times, you are flavourless, flaccid, frigid and unnecessarily flinty. you are also a remarkable bolus of fast-digesting, simple carbohydrates that my neurons seem to need but are never satisfied with. not unlike the seemingly pleasurable process of procreation. i keep wasting my dwindling allowance on you even though i don't need you like i need intramuscular injections of caffeine and IV dextrose. though one can argue that my wallet also does not deserve such coffee shop coffee assault... multiple times in a day. however, in conclusion, neither i nor the ginormous hippogriff, which i am currently raising as my aggressive yet magically magical child, are ecstatic about this. i suggest you sort yourself out or 50 points from HufflePUFF! 

love... Percy, a perfect prefect that should not prance with pastries.

Child Counsultant's Magical Anxiety Reducing Potion Shop.

Percy and his hypnotising hippogriff's pastry eating has been briefly suspended for a far more important post. 

for the past five weeks, Percy has been waking up at five in the morning, driving absurd distances from his house to get to his assigned hospital paediatric ward for that week and then to his university for two-hour long lectures on children with coughs and babies with congenital heart defects. this would be after he'd spent the whole morning taking histories, botching up clinical exams and then making a fool of himself to the healers by not being able to answer half their questions. he typically returns home at five-thirty or six-thirty in the afternoon most days. at times, he would have not had a single tea break during the day. 

this following week is the last week that Percy has to go to the hospital, because after this week, he has his FINAL exams. yes, after spending approximately 1 1/2 months in paediatric wards, Percy is now expected to examine an ill child for his paediatric examination on the 23rd, followed by a neonatal exam on the 26th of October where he is supposed to examine a baby that is not even a week old. 

did he mention that this week was the first week he'd even held a baby? 

in typical chewing-tables-and-having-relentless-anxiety fashion, Percy was told to evaluate his own performance by a paediatric counsultant on Thursday. after he told the consultant that he believed that his performance was satisfactory, the man said that he thought that Percy was better than that. when Percy mentioned that he was unhappy with his neonatal exam that he did with Dr Crup, the healer said, 

                                                      "Dr Crup* was very happy with you."

and when he said this, Percy thought that he was about to dissolve into happy tears. a counsultant paediatric healer had told Percy that he thinks that Percy's problem is that he overthinks things, and that he blanks out and gets nervous unnecessarily. and then he told Percy, 

         "people are nervous when they don't have the knowledge or the skill. you have both of those." 

it is the sentences and words that everyone had been telling him all his life, but Percy had never had a CONSULTANT take an hour of his day to sit with him, and tell him that he thought that Percy was doing more than satisfactory. in fact, if Percy had to genuinely rate himself, he would give himself an etremely subpar rating. it is with this thought that Percy decides that no matter what happens during the examinations, he realises that he should take the time to calm down. there will be NO third wizarding world if he had forgotten to ask the mother if she had a standard vaginal delivery if the rest of his history is still intact. 

Percy honestly felt like crying tears of joy when the doctor told him this. he felt like the heavy weight of his own expectations of himself disappear. Percy is fully aware that he will still leave his examination feeling like he could've done much better, but he is also aware that the healers know that Percy is under stress, and that he is truly his own worst critic. knowing that how he rates himself post-exam is nowhere near how the professors are going to rate him brings him a closure NOW that he is attempting to embrace. Percy knows that he will not be calm during his exam. he will be tachycardic, talk too quickly, have a resting tremor and suffer from signs of hyperthyroidism. and he will probably leave the exam with a mixture of doom and nausea. but at least he knows that it is perfectly normal. as is passing out, and ingesting his body weight in carbohydrates straight after. 

also, apparently, because Percy asked - the healers are not bothered when Percy repeats himself, or when he does not say anything for approximately ten seconds during said examination... who would have thought? 

*the healer that Percy was referring to has a surname that is a carnivorous animal of the dog family. 

Handbook of Hippogriff Pastry Psychology: Chapter Two.

in this chapter of Hippogriff Pastry Psychology, Percy would like to talk about the correct ways to consume a cinnamon roll. often, this aspect of the inhalation of the cinnamon roll is overlooked, but it is extremely vital for a hippogriff to consume a cinnamon roll correctly to achieve the most rhapsodic experience. it is crucial to understand that if the hippogriff is busy being... err, stimulated, they are most likely too preoccupied to kill you! 

firstly, you want to make sure that the hippogriff is awake. dangling Cinnabon on a string may be a perfectly fine way to get Percy's expansive squat-jump-and-responsibility-dodging arse out of bed, but trying to feed a cinnamon roll to a sleeping hippogriff is fatal... for some unknown reason that has plagued hippogriff tamer people for ages! perhaps, they would enjoy something lighter in the morning... like air, Ginny's favourite silky underpants... or whatever is left of your fleeting fortitude and forbearance!

secondly, a hippogriff tends to prefer their cinnamon rolls the same way that Percy prefers his alone time with his bed: in unnecessary, extensive and drowsy-inducing quantities! in fact, Percy believes that the most appropriate way to consume a cinnamon roll is to cover it with SO much sugary substance that his pancreatic B-cells start to threaten an early retirement.

thirdly, it is not wise to give hippogriffs Ben and Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice-cream because they tend to suffer from, err... cinnamon runs. Percy refrains from further explanation.

fourthly, if Percy's mother, Molly, makes Nutella cinnamon rolls, then you may use it as a sufficient form of target practice when you are training them. unfortunately, some hippogriffs begin to believe that this substance is edible (it isn't their fault. Percy believed so too once upon a century), but please try to keep your hippogriffs away from this vile monstrosity. Molly's homemade traditional cinnamon rolls are much better than this edited catastrophe. if one has to choose between these Nutella cinnamon rolls and cardboard, Percy suggests the cardboard because of its high fiber content and easy digestion.

lastly, the worst way of feeding a hippogriff (and yourself) a cinnamon roll is not to consume one at all. this mistake is sacrilegous and as a result, may make other hippogriffs (and the rest of the population of the universe and the time continuum as it stands now) mock you. and think that you are strange because you also did not like bananas as a child. do not let them have the upper hand. amputate them, and take one cinnamon roll a day to ensure the cavities will stay!

Handbook of Hippogriff Pastry Psychology: Chapter One.

keeping up with the French theme, Percy has written a guide about another opulent-because-everything-French-is-opulent-oily-and-ostentatious buttery French air delicacy by the name of a "croissant."

Percy is going to start with the basics! if you want a hint of butter or cheese, there is no better vehicle than this beloved bread-based breakfast! Percy highly recommends it, especially if cleaning off the flaky pastry pieces off your favourite professional future-black cauldron-black trousers precipitates a miniature mental breakdown! it is no secret that hippogriffs especially adore it when their masters are covered in croissant crumbs... easier to eat breakfast and give you slobbery, Lactobacillus-containing kisses that way!

if you eat this pretty pitiful pastry with enough margarine or butter to harden your arteries or enough cheese to make a cow go into septic shock, then perhaps, you, like Percy, suffer from post-prandial indigestion! but hopefully, unlike Percy, is not heading towards hippogriff-sized pants! but if you, like Percy's university, use croissants as a component of a breakfast sandwich, then he refuses to associate himself with you. 

if you prefer to have a snitch-sized dollop of chocolate in your airy, unfulfilling croissant then scoff down a pain au chocolat. the elves named it so because cocoa beans all around the world are writhing in Cruciatus-induced agony knowing that they suffered through the labourious fermentation process only to be piped into microscopic morsels into an atmospheric-pressure-defying snack. be wary of tending to a hippogriff after eating a pain au chocolate... it pains them to know you ate this literally empty (where is my luscious chocolate centre?) promise! 

lastly, if you do not spend enough time agonising over your life choices, Percy suggests a pain aux raisins! when you get to the sticky paste embedded in the raisin swirl, you are guaranteed to start contemplating all your life choices! you also may start to wonder if your mother endured nine months of pregnancy so you could eat stodgy raisin bread bound with an amorphous sweet syrup with the consistency of Dumbledore's beard! it may even make you contemplate why in Merlin's name do you own a hippogriff? especially when you are fatally allergic to responsibility and insist that wearing your bra the second day is a normal thing that successful people do. 

Sara Farnham's scarily spacious October box of cherubic chocolate cravings include...

cold French air with chocolate flavour. 

what kind of moose mouse mousse does the blogosophere prefer?

Percy does not know about you, but he tends to prefer his mousse shoved down his gob... how very French.

into the Speed Force's ten kilograms deadlifts.

today, Percy made potatoes and did not burn down the kitchen. his deadlift technique is still somewhat atrocious, and his clean and presses are vexing... and a liability to those around him. last week, Percy spent most of his time in lectures about childhood bedwetting development, clinics, and wards. the worst is the boriiiing, coma-inducing lectures where healers shout at each other for an hour on controversial topics. also... apparently, the professor does not like it when you can barely read a chest x-ray and you are a 4th year medical student.

into the Speed Force's Paediatric Textbook.

today, Percy was upset by something trivial, didn't have enough sleep (he woke up 5!) and then had a 2hr nap when he came home at around 6. he feels much better now. also, today, Percy got invited for coffee by Lee Jordan and lunch by Luna Lovegood during his 2hr long break in university. and he did find out that bone condition that Luna Lovegood is osteochondromatosis. he also found out that the prep-work Percy did for his course might be useless not very helpful because this is the only course that Percy has ever taken where they are insistent about... not only the BOOK that you use, but also the EDITION of that cursed thing! on the plus side, Percy now has this fabled 600-page novel starring paediatric illustrations, sunflower chapters and Percy's inability to tolerate children. his uncle opened up a health food restaurant (!!) and Percy ordered a teriyaki salmon with noodles, which he will probably eat tomorrow because he has a negligible appetite today. the bad news is it's 8:20PM and Percy cannot fathom taking a shower even though he reeks of dungbombs.