this overdue owl is overdue.

Percy turned twenty-three three days ago. he thinks he did absolutely terrible very well at his Obstetrics and Gynaecology examination. no, his speculum did NOT get stuck into any model's cervix. he saw a pterygium in the GP clinic and heard a systolic murmur in a little girl that was just about as loud as a fulminating Thor's Thunder Cracker... and the bloke at the operating theatre thinks Percy look like an Inferi that only eats low-fat, high-protein Beater Boosts and keeps on consistently giving him scrubs that won't go up his callipygian figure.

some days, he is really sad and wishes that he'd disappear faster than Neville Longbottom after he'd mucked up his third potion of the week! but he finds that more often than not, he is very exhausted and happier than Dudley Dursley with a biscuit tin filled with Jammie Dodgers. oh, and he's put on a almost two stones since he'd last posted. fortunately, nobody noticed the fact that Percy's plump posterior is now big enough to make a centaur blush and somehow, his non-existent breast tissue managed to expand enough to give him month-long wardrobe malfunctions. today, as he did his burpees, his bra clasp snapped open and grace the exercise mat with its #freedCoopersligament status ... and no, it was not a freeing feminist statement!

also, he is very exuberant about the prospects of this immeasurable, amorphous entity called life... for he might eat overpriced Japanese noodles this Friday in a belated birthday celebration!

this post deserves a cheese and mushroom toastie.

*insert extensively written, nearly poetic post about how Percy has gotten sick enough for Molly Weasley to get him TWO sick-leaves and Percy thinks his parchment paper writer's screen is thoroughly mutilated because... he thinks he might have run his muggle transportation contraption over it, but he is not completely sure.*

Percy and the entity known as life are not building that wonderful rapport that Percy continuously envisioned for them. in fact, Percy is just like:

but unfortunately, then life is like:

Percy has been having such impossible, deplorable difficulties with life in all his existence. life and him do not seem to agree on much, such as the fact that Percy has not yet found his mystical, internal source of energy and vitality without the use of hallucinogenic potions, that he does not agree with the idea of having to go to an afternoon tutorial after he is finished with his morning studying sessions in the hospital, and he thoroughly believes that a sandwich is not lunch, it is a snack. 

Handbook of Hippogriff Pastry Psychology: Chapter Two.

in this chapter of Hippogriff Pastry Psychology, Percy would like to talk about the correct ways to consume a cinnamon roll. often, this aspect of the inhalation of the cinnamon roll is overlooked, but it is extremely vital for a hippogriff to consume a cinnamon roll correctly to achieve the most rhapsodic experience. it is crucial to understand that if the hippogriff is busy being... err, stimulated, they are most likely too preoccupied to kill you! 

firstly, you want to make sure that the hippogriff is awake. dangling Cinnabon on a string may be a perfectly fine way to get Percy's expansive squat-jump-and-responsibility-dodging arse out of bed, but trying to feed a cinnamon roll to a sleeping hippogriff is fatal... for some unknown reason that has plagued hippogriff tamer people for ages! perhaps, they would enjoy something lighter in the morning... like air, Ginny's favourite silky underpants... or whatever is left of your fleeting fortitude and forbearance!

secondly, a hippogriff tends to prefer their cinnamon rolls the same way that Percy prefers his alone time with his bed: in unnecessary, extensive and drowsy-inducing quantities! in fact, Percy believes that the most appropriate way to consume a cinnamon roll is to cover it with SO much sugary substance that his pancreatic B-cells start to threaten an early retirement.

thirdly, it is not wise to give hippogriffs Ben and Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice-cream because they tend to suffer from, err... cinnamon runs. Percy refrains from further explanation.

fourthly, if Percy's mother, Molly, makes Nutella cinnamon rolls, then you may use it as a sufficient form of target practice when you are training them. unfortunately, some hippogriffs begin to believe that this substance is edible (it isn't their fault. Percy believed so too once upon a century), but please try to keep your hippogriffs away from this vile monstrosity. Molly's homemade traditional cinnamon rolls are much better than this edited catastrophe. if one has to choose between these Nutella cinnamon rolls and cardboard, Percy suggests the cardboard because of its high fiber content and easy digestion.

lastly, the worst way of feeding a hippogriff (and yourself) a cinnamon roll is not to consume one at all. this mistake is sacrilegous and as a result, may make other hippogriffs (and the rest of the population of the universe and the time continuum as it stands now) mock you. and think that you are strange because you also did not like bananas as a child. do not let them have the upper hand. amputate them, and take one cinnamon roll a day to ensure the cavities will stay!

Handbook of Hippogriff Pastry Psychology: Chapter One.

keeping up with the French theme, Percy has written a guide about another opulent-because-everything-French-is-opulent-oily-and-ostentatious buttery French air delicacy by the name of a "croissant."

Percy is going to start with the basics! if you want a hint of butter or cheese, there is no better vehicle than this beloved bread-based breakfast! Percy highly recommends it, especially if cleaning off the flaky pastry pieces off your favourite professional future-black cauldron-black trousers precipitates a miniature mental breakdown! it is no secret that hippogriffs especially adore it when their masters are covered in croissant crumbs... easier to eat breakfast and give you slobbery, Lactobacillus-containing kisses that way!

if you eat this pretty pitiful pastry with enough margarine or butter to harden your arteries or enough cheese to make a cow go into septic shock, then perhaps, you, like Percy, suffer from post-prandial indigestion! but hopefully, unlike Percy, is not heading towards hippogriff-sized pants! but if you, like Percy's university, use croissants as a component of a breakfast sandwich, then he refuses to associate himself with you. 

if you prefer to have a snitch-sized dollop of chocolate in your airy, unfulfilling croissant then scoff down a pain au chocolat. the elves named it so because cocoa beans all around the world are writhing in Cruciatus-induced agony knowing that they suffered through the labourious fermentation process only to be piped into microscopic morsels into an atmospheric-pressure-defying snack. be wary of tending to a hippogriff after eating a pain au chocolate... it pains them to know you ate this literally empty (where is my luscious chocolate centre?) promise! 

lastly, if you do not spend enough time agonising over your life choices, Percy suggests a pain aux raisins! when you get to the sticky paste embedded in the raisin swirl, you are guaranteed to start contemplating all your life choices! you also may start to wonder if your mother endured nine months of pregnancy so you could eat stodgy raisin bread bound with an amorphous sweet syrup with the consistency of Dumbledore's beard! it may even make you contemplate why in Merlin's name do you own a hippogriff? especially when you are fatally allergic to responsibility and insist that wearing your bra the second day is a normal thing that successful people do.