into the Speed Force's ten kilograms deadlifts.

today, Percy made potatoes and did not burn down the kitchen. his deadlift technique is still somewhat atrocious, and his clean and presses are vexing... and a liability to those around him. last week, Percy spent most of his time in lectures about childhood bedwetting development, clinics, and wards. the worst is the boriiiing, coma-inducing lectures where healers shout at each other for an hour on controversial topics. also... apparently, the professor does not like it when you can barely read a chest x-ray and you are a 4th year medical student.

into the Speed Force's Paediatric Textbook.

today, Percy was upset by something trivial, didn't have enough sleep (he woke up 5!) and then had a 2hr nap when he came home at around 6. he feels much better now. also, today, Percy got invited for coffee by Lee Jordan and lunch by Luna Lovegood during his 2hr long break in university. and he did find out that bone condition that Luna Lovegood is osteochondromatosis. he also found out that the prep-work Percy did for his course might be useless not very helpful because this is the only course that Percy has ever taken where they are insistent about... not only the BOOK that you use, but also the EDITION of that cursed thing! on the plus side, Percy now has this fabled 600-page novel starring paediatric illustrations, sunflower chapters and Percy's inability to tolerate children. his uncle opened up a health food restaurant (!!) and Percy ordered a teriyaki salmon with noodles, which he will probably eat tomorrow because he has a negligible appetite today. the bad news is it's 8:20PM and Percy cannot fathom taking a shower even though he reeks of dungbombs. 

LIST OF VITAL LIFE SUFFERINGS TO ATTEMPT TO SCRAPE THROUGH IN SEPTEMBER

1. drive to university without getting into an automobile accident that is worthy of Ron's Flying Ford Anglia debacle and attempt not to submit to puddles of stress in the first 24 hours back to university.

2. soon after he returns to university, Percy should study until he succumbs to death. see? Percy is relaxed and is a very calm individual. he said soon after, not immediately after.

3. when dead, study more. rise like Inferius for exams.

4. kill self with weights return to Body Pump classes after taking a break for 2 months. main focus not on weights, but form because Percy has been doing body weight exercises with NO weights and getting more results than weight lifting. so, main focus is keeping form top-notch.

5. learn to perfect form on various exercises (yesterday, Percy noticed his jumping lunges had improved but he did not deepen his lunge, his sprints are no faster than flobberworms through peanut butter, his deadlifts could make a dragon's back crack and even his 'alright form' burpees look like he might as well have ardently yelled "i concede defeat... i will wear Ron's Yule Ball dress robes for my wedding!". this is important to do. Percy must perfect his form until he, err, looks drop dead gorgeous. see point 2 and 3 for additional information.

for nice news, look at the chocolate bar that Luna Lovegood bought for Percy multiple eons ago. Percy is holding onto this token of sweetness (pun intended) because, well, he is a loser with a minor infatuatio. also, Percy wants it to go on the (now large, multiple scrolls long) record that whilst he LOVES white chocolate (his favourite kind!), he dislikes these white chocolate squares with-with crushed chocolate biscuits in them. abominations tainting perfectly good white chocolate.

in less nice news, the first days of September were plagued by sadness as Percy cried and cried until he made himself so ill that he could not celebrate Eid on the first of September, which is one of two of the official holidays of the year. he sat at home as he watched his family getting ready with a heavy heart and a pang in his chest because he would not join them. Percy was not aware that one could actually cry themselves up to the point where the next morning their head is still pounding, their non-existent muscles are still sore as well as their throats and stomach. he supposed that breaking into tears in front of his mother, Molly Weasley, within twenty minutes of waking up was not a very good thing either. Percy could not move without feeling like his head was about to implode like a cauldron in one of Severus Snape's classes... and yet the night ended with the sweetness of a piece of Pink Coconut Ice as Percy found himself with his legs curled up in his shark pajamas that vigorously yell YOU ARE FINTASTIC, watching Despicable Me 3 and eating cheese-stuffed crust pizza with his father, Arthur Weasley and young sister Roxanne in Roxanne's very pink room.

he also sorted out an issue with Fred that was avidly distressing Percy that turned out to be a colossal, Hagrid-sized misunderstanding. it was distressing Percy to the point where he did not go to get coffee that day because he enjoyed coffee trips and decided that he was 'undeserving' of all the things that he enjoyed. during the resolving of this issue, Percy thought that it was wise to sit on the bathroom tiles and sob pathetically because he did not want people to know that he was crying again.

Percy is currently Catherine wheeling between feeling unhealthily remorseful because of... well, nothing but apparently, he is very sorry for it, extraordinarily euphoric for being blessed with such flawless friends and family and wonderfully chagrined towards the fact that he has put on weight this summer vacation. because normal people do not put on weight during vacations and holidays. they miraculously stay the same weight after they decided to open the blasted tin of Quality Streets before and after they'd had their three platefuls of rice with enough lamb to make the muggle metal band Lamb of God frightened for the safety of their lives. so, in conclusion, one could say that the beginning of this month was one big... calambity. 

list of things Percy actually did August.

1. succumb to the fact that no matter how hard he tried, Percy will not go to sleep before 2AM.

2. finish Breaking Bad and debate on whether you hate or love the ending for about 2 weeks.

3. wonder whether most people see Pepperidge Farms goldfish crackers are smiling goldfish, or fish with gills. Percy believes that they are just super cute fish with gills. 

also, despite his endorphin-producing mixed martial arts class, Percy broke into tears three times today for no reason whatsoever. twice when writing to Fred and once in front of his mother, Molly Weasley. he almost broke into tears in the middle of a big shopping centre, clutching two new pairs of gaudy gym pants in a muted tealish blue and a printed purple, whilst screaming to himself: I DON'T WANT EID TOMORROW. his father bought him 300g (!) of Cadbury chocolates to comfort him. and because their fridge broke down.

a hot, steaming cup of vacation with a side of sugar and a cupcke the size of a dragon, OR where Percy travelled to this summer holiday.

on recounting of the events that occurred this historic summer, Percy paid proliferously (twenty-six Galleons for 3 bloody sessions!) for a personal trainer during Ramadan. his personal trainer taught him how to entangle himself in a fatal contraption called the TRX and corrected his form on basic exercises, like chocolate-cream-sponges lunges, and you-shouldn't-have-had-the-Starbucks-munch-es crunches. after a period of mourning the fact that after spending five years with a gym membership and is still unable to withstand a plank longer than 30 seconds with proper form ("who am i? who is unsure of their squat jump technique and how many carbohydrates are in a single slice of breaaaad?"), he rose like Fawkes from the ashes and majored in a part of a sports film directed by Gilderoy Lockhart. Percy cannot remember this film for some reason.

during Ramadan, he also decided to take his father, Arthur Weasley, his nineteen-year-old sister Ginny and thirteen-year-old sister, Roxanne out one evening, where they consumed their weight in tasteless noodles covered in cream, and then had caramel macchiatos afterwards. Percy was not impressed because he had an holy honey and cinnamon latte before their coffee run brisk walk. because nobody runs in Ramadan.

it was in Starbucks that Percy documented the existence of this foul abomination (that did not make it near his mouth). Newt Scamander would be proud, as Percy logged his near encounter with this lolly-gagging, bloodless beverage be taketh over these sweltering lands. never will he be trying this illegal sugar rush. and Percy still asks himself with the wisdom and vigilance of Alastor Moody,
                                               what part of the lollipop does the cream come from?

in the same day, he also hit a small sidewalk and managed to drive OVER it. Arthur Weasley was not happy.

they had an obligatory family gathering during the time of Gerga'oon - to also be described as the wizarding Middle Eastern Halloween. children would insist on running around in their polished crisp clothing and golden threads with colours that would make a Pygmy Puff seem depressed. his mother made enough sweets to last one night in his house a life-time and Percy might have been caught scoffing one of his mother's homemade frosted chocolate cupcakes with chocolate ganache and crumbled flake or he may scoffed ten.

during the summer holidays, Percy went to Turkey with his family. in the first day, he recalled running down the airport wearing his mother's awfully chosen soft ashen-grey hoodie that proclaimed in bold, crisp-white letters LOVE YOURSELF. at this point, his reproductive organs were twisting and turning and producing cramps that could not be dulled by mild pain potions. needless to say, Percy did not love himself. and his mushroom and cheese toastie from Costa was stale. the flight rushed by quickly. they spent their first night in Turkey roaming around Taksim Square where they found out that the location was not particularly to the liking given the fact that they had to swim through the mass quantity of people at night. Percy had a 'fresh' pretzel served off a vendor. it was doughy, and stale and he needed to have dragon teeth to chew. he also ate Ginny's. at this point, Percy wanted it to go on record that the hotel food was absolutely atrocious. the food there was so and so in Instabul but it did not stop Percy from gobbling down mass quantities of it.

in fact, one of the first things that Percy did was stock up on foreign junk food. apparently, Turkey love their dark chocolates, chia seeds, and... crackers? wonderful. a nation without a palate.

Percy spent hours with his extended family outside in the heat with no air conditioning where they went off to see historic places (a sultan's palace that Percy does not know the name of nor cared for. during their visit, Percy sat down at the ground with the rest of his family in a picnic-like fashion and ate crackers), a giant park (Percy drank hot chocolate and saw women have their wedding photos taken in the flobberworm-infested muck), Wonder Woman in the Turkish cinema, and mini Turk. they ate near the sea, in a café with no air conditioning, and in other places that Percy did not typically eat at because where he is from, there is air conditioning everywhere to ward off the 50 degree Celsius weather. and they drank Starbucks every day. Percy noticed that the Turkish caramel macchiato is a bajillion times sweeter than the ones in his country. PERFECT. their sweets were to Avada Kedavra for. Percy drank hot chocolates, and gorged on brownies and oaty flapjacks wherever he went. Percy might have passed out in a sugar coma in a sultan's palace at some point.

then Percy departed from his extended family and just went off with his regular mini family to a luxurious (!!) resort in Antalya. to say that Percy did not fit in would be an understatement. here he was wearing headscarves, and long-sleeved shirts to the gym whilst women paraded around in bikinis and abdominals he only saw in Instagram. it was really out of a film. Percy spent his time there in the resort in the gym, particularly in the men's section where he realised that blokes actually DO bloody grunt and groan and make sounds that make Percy wonder if he should call for an ambulance. he also ate lots of big yellow apples because the gym offered it for free. along with fruit-infused water and free yoga classes.

Percy joined a KANGAROO JUMP class on his last day there. in the beginning, he couldn't even think of walking with those aerated shoes of destruction and despair, but by the end, he was running in them. jumping in them felt like he was riding a broomstick - FLYING! Percy was always terrible in his Flying classes. he was running SO slowly. he was the last back. by the time he'd come back, they were just finishing off with ab exercises. the instructor with long, curly dark hair hello, tanned Sirius and the rest of the soulless, golden-skinned fitness models were LAUGHING at him. very much out of a film. bastards.

the food there was endless, mostly free and the majority of it was amazing. every breakfast, lunch and dinner, they were serving the right style buffet style. Percy watched girls with zero body fat scarf down watermelon whilst there was a dessert table that stretched so far across that Percy felt like Mr Flume himself was giving him the go ahead to gorge on tantalising tarts and charming caramels.

at this point in time, Percy wants to mention what these were: the last one that is covered by Percy's hot-chocolate holding hand is a cross between a bakewell tart and an oaty flapjack, the one with the dollopy swirly thing was a sticky, moist date cake, and the last was a blackberry cheesecake. nobody that is sane would rather have abs when there was bakewell-oaty-date-cheesecakes involved in a LUXURY RESORT.

then they returned back to the Old City in Istanbul. they spent most of the time eating and shopping. Percy discovered a Starbucks whole-grain cheese pastry that he just immediately fell in love with. he and his parents finally got some alone time because they visited a baklawa shop, and they sat down whilst Percy was sipping on hot chocolate and eating different freshly prepared baklawa sweets with his parents. his father, Arthur Weasley, drank enough Turkish coffee to drown a small village. they found a restaurant that made a delightful vegetarian Turkish pizza. they went on long walks aimlessly and just talked about things that Percy couldn't really call right now but it made him very happy to talk about them. he remembered the feeling of gooey fuzziness. of course, that just might be the bountiful sugar and warm, toasty carbohydrates talking.

and that is precisely how he had put on four kilos this vacation. fortunately not very visible.

Things That Percy's Father Bought From Sugarplum's Magical Sweet Shop Last Friday.

1. GNAW Fudge Crunch: razor-blade raisins and fudge so diminutive Percy needed an electron microscope to see. of course it was good, because it was creamy, chaos-creating, calves-condensing CHOCOLATE, but when the fudge is smaller than Percy's current level of motivation to Do Importanter Stuff, then it's criminal. this would not ward off Percy from Dementors, but it will definitely ward off a waist size smaller than 25".

2.  Made Good Mixed Berry Granola Bar: Percy's father, Arthur Weasley, bought these for himself but gave some to Percy Percy took some anyway because he has never had Granola Bar + Seeds + Sugar Glue + Berry Concoction Number 984567. Percy did not eat these, but he knows how they taste like. because granola bars all taste like "i'd rather be eating something else... like my protein-rich toes or my rapidly diminishing hopes and dreams." still he wants to ask WHY his granola bar is not enough to feed a horklump?

3. Dried Kiwifruit: Percy is accountable for this crime... he simply adores and consumes large amounts of dried fruit, particularly pineapples (!!), cherries, blueberries, cranberries and kiwi. when his mother, Molly Weasley went to Bosnia last year, she bought back ginormous bags (literally kilos of each fruit!) of assorted dried fruits for him because she knows how much he loves them.

4. Beech's Rose Creams: Percy has tried Violet Creams before. he thought that they tasted EXACTLY like how sugary body lotion smell (the 'violet' and 'rose' taste are achieved using violet and rose oils... which people DO smother on their bodies and use in perfumes!!), but he could not stop eating them. and when Percy finished it, he craved them even more than he has ever craved a Reese's Cup. rose, being more prominently used in traditional baking in Percy's region, was another flavour that gave off almost Bath-and-Body-Works-like vibes but not quite. Percy also ate a lemon cream version. he does not know what kind of addictive additive they've added into this addled abomination to make Percy dream of them all the time. he suspects it's because of the mixture of the extremely sugary filling with the waxy, dark chocolate casing that his neurons are tingling for.

even more surprising, Percy wants to try more flavours. he wants to try strawberry creams (even though he hates strawberry chocolates with the passion of a thousand burning Ashwinders) and the ginger creams, even though ginger makes Percy remember the times that Ginny chases him around with boxes of lemon, ginger and black pepper tea when he is sick.

5. Cadbury Chocolate Roundies (in his arms): these are circular wafer-like discs enrobed in milk chocolate. when Percy eats one, he has satisfied his colossal chocolate craving. also, they are Cadbury. yesterday, Arthur Weasley brought him the caramel (!!) version and told him to blend it into a calorific milkshake because that was what Percy's sagging, droopy arms were missing... evidently, they are called Roundies because if you eat too many, you start to transform into one.

6. Magic Stars Hot Chocolate (in his arms): this is just hot chocolate, but it gets multiple points for having mini chocolate starts to appear to Percy's 6 16 year old self who misses the days where they used to have glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars to lull him into his gothic, emo-driven dreams.

Things That Percy Only Contemplated Buying From Sneakervamp's Magical Nike Shop Monday.

on Monday, after a RPM class, Percy spent the whole day out with Lee Jordan in the largest, most frequented shopping mall in his vicinity-like... vicinity. the original plan was to go out for a coffee, but a need-dextrose-dextrin-and-disaccharides-to-function Percy insisted that they must have lunch. so off they went to Wagamama.

this is where Percy consumed half an Antipodean Opaleye's weight in vegetable tappenyaki. he practically bullied suggested to Lee Jordan that they should get vegetable gyozas (because if you did not Percy will hex your resistance bands!). when they bought the gyozas, Percy promptly ate all of... one of. 

in fact, afterwards, Percy also chose the coffee shop, of which Lee Jordan was a tragic victim to a mini stale banana-chocolate muffin whilst Percy happily sipped his hot toffee coffee.

this situation then balanced out because they went to all of Lee Jordan's favourite stores, where he had bought a shirt, a dress and a jar of smooth peanut butter. they sat in a frozen yoghurt shop. throughout all this, they were chattering faster than teeth clattered and squeaked after one ingested several packets of Ice Mice. they discussed vital topics, such as Lee Jordan's road traffic accident that left him with a busted lip (healing well), his bookshelf-assembling skills (that left Lee Jordan with other injuries because being in a road traffic accident is not enough), their current workout and weight training regimens, their now pragmatic training-and-body expectations compared to their nonsensical ones (Lee Jordan wanting legs with more definitions than an English-to-Elvish dictionary, Percy wanting to look semi-human the same) before, their dietary changes and thoughts, and their university rotations (for 6 weeks, Percy has paediatrics whilst Lee Jordan has psychiatry.)

Percy then ended up looking through three pair of Nike shoes (he did not buy any because he realised that he needed to splinch off an arm and leg to pay for it! they were also not comfortable on his feet and that is of most critical importance, especially seeing as Percy has flat feet), and Lee Jordan for high-quality resistance bands. Percy then left Lee Jordan to get Ginny and her Dutch friend from the supermarket, who has been living in Ginny's room for the past month... literally and is now dubbed as Gerda Curd, for the fact that she was lugging kilos of fresh Dutch cheese from Holland to the Middle East for Ginny but... is lactose intolerant. they went home where Ginny gave Percy a Gryffindor notebook (!) even though Percy does not consider himself a Gryffindor even though that is where the Sorting Hat and the rest of the universe put him in:

Ginny's explanation for this gift was sweeter than pumpkin pasties and butterbeer biscuits! she said,
                 "i know when you're in the hospital, you take little notebooks with you to scribble notes based on what the healers say. so i thought to get you a little notebook to take with you for next year."

now, if ONLY Percy could be gifted a decrypting tool because he writes so quickly when he is taking a history that the resultant suffering scrawl looks like it belongs in an old abandoned Ancient Runes textbook. 

into the Speed Force's Christmas pudding.

today, Percy memorised how to take a paediatric history. he was not undoubtedly methodical despite the fact that he is an graphorn-sized infant with attachment issues... mostly to quixotic goals and expectations.

he then went to the most prodigious hospital in his country as a test-drive for his college, where he might be assigned an either vile or splendiferous post to (an August goal) and concluded in the fifteen minutes that he was there that he would presumably end up in Azkaban trying to park (!!) in that forlorn building

he also bought: new (x, x) Ben and Jerry's (including the holy gem that is this non-dairy Ben and Jerry's), enough Cadbury to make Ambrosius Flume sick, a truly uninspired and awful September-October copy of a Seventeen magazine (PS. Percy cannot wait for the next one!!), his first ever malicious-looking Kind bar and a box of newly found Nakd Banana Crunch. it's made with soya protein crunchies. they apparently... crunch.

in conclusion, Percy cannot keep a sickle in his pocket for longer than twenty seconds.

which reminds Percy to mention that his blog title, "Percy nearly broke his teeth on a silver sickle embedded in his slice" refers a short scene in The Philosopher's Stone. the scene illustrates the fact that Percy is both lucky and unlucky. he is lucky because evidently, it is tradition to put a silvery token in a slice of Christmas pudding. this symbolises that the person that gets that token is lucky... but Percy is also SO unlucky because he nearly broke his teeth on... well, his own luck.

he also did 155 burpees today. now, he has the burp...ees. and the impending heart burn.

into the Speed Force's bubble tea shop.

the best part of today was Percy realising that the one-minute walk from the mall to his muggle transportation contraption was enough to transform Ginny's ice-blended taro bubble tea with tapioca balls into a purple puddle. it was very magical.

list of crucial things to do in August.

1. use fairy nargles as plausible explanation as to why Percy's ability to keep blog posts is about as admirable as Ambrosius Flume's ability to sell nausea-effectuating in his sweets. 

2. read more important, sophisticated-looking literature. even if Percy thinks Fahrenheit 451 depicts a unsettling relationship between the girl and main character and that he would much rather curl up with a copy of The Beach Café (which Percy was absolutely stoked to realise that it is just one book in a series).

3. vomit in an go to the amusement park and ride that swirly ride that might give Percy an undiagnosed mild concussion, a bruised arm and a fractured rib like last time. note: do not attempt when menstruating.

4. convince his mother, Molly Weasley, that the world would not suddenly combust into ashes, Floo powder and dust if Percy drives farther than oh, 10 minutes away from his house (unfeasible task currently pending).  

5. comprehend why his mother, Molly, sees the way he wears his important paranormal headscarf as a venial sin. 

6. find and buy several pairs of camo pants even though most of Percy's family despises them. 

7. now that he has perfected his recipe for his warm gnocchi salad (approx. 100g gnocchi, roasted mushrooms, eggplant, onions and corn tossed with spinach or kale, with an olive oil dressing, topped with seriously generous amount of parmesan cheese), Percy must now attempt to make a cold ravioli salad using spinach or kale. 

8. use his horde of electronic copies of Seventeen magazines, of which he has skimmed through, categorised by month and year, and then sub-categorised for personal irrelevance... sad note: it took him a MONTH to finish. 

1. Percy implied fairy nargles in this blog post, thus absolving him of any responsibility to explain his inability to maintain a post for any longer than Silvanus Kettleburn contemplated writing his name on his underpants.

9. only vaguely mention but never write a blog post about the atrocity of coffee drinks containing an indigestible dose of unwholesome matcha green tea death powder.